Consider this: The people in our lives (at work and at home) are always telling us exactly what we must do to resolve conflicts with them, but we don’t hear what they’re saying because we’re so busy defending ourselves.

I’ve helped many teams and individuals resolve their conflicts and it was easy once those teams and individuals started accepting the feedback they were receiving.

Here's an example:

I was working with a team whose responsibility was to install a web site in their company. This company had been participating in Internet marketing in a small way, but was about to take the plunge in a big and expensive way. A lot was riding on the success of the team and they were feeling the pressure.

However, the team was having difficulty moving forward because, when they gave each other feedback, the person(s) receiving the feedback would become defensive. The team couldn’t move forward because they were so busy moving backwards, defending themselves.

After working with me, the team reduced the planned installation time for their company web site by 6 weeks.

And how were they able to create this breakthrough? Simple: I taught team members to view feedback as nothing more than information about how they were perceived and what they must do to change if they wished to resolve their conflicts.

For example, if you receive feedback that you’re difficult to get along with….you are (from the other person’s perspective). If you receive feedback that you’re not explaining yourself very well….you’re not (from the other person’s perspective). If you receive feedback that you’re too conventional in your thinking…you are (from the other person’s perspective) no matter what excuses you may offer.

Before working with me, the members of the team would tell each other these kinds of things and waste (not spend) their time arguing with the feedback.

After working with me, the members of the team would tell each other these kinds of things, ask “What do I need to do change your perception?” be told what they need to do and, then…DO IT!!!!!

In this way, rather than taking feedback personally, they saw feedback for what it was: a perfect means to determine exactly what they had to do to be effective with each other. All they had to do was listen to each other without arguing.

Problem solved!!!

Conflict resolved!!!

Consider your own life. How often do you receive feedback and proceed to explain or defend your behavior rather than just listen? The more explaining and defending you do, the more you are prolonging the conflict.

You don’t have to agree with the feedback. You don’t have to like the feedback. All you have to do is listen and choose whether to change or not based on the feedback.

If you do choose to change, you’re well on the way to resolving the conflicts in your life.

If this sounds too easy, you may be suffering from the belief that resolving your conflicts is hard. It isn’t. All you have to do is stop arguing and start listening. What you’ll hear is how to resolve the conflict…if you choose.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS?  LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net