Conflicts are your access to a great relationship, not the end of one. When someone disagrees with you, that can be the start of a "beautiful friendship" (see the ending to the movie, "Casablanca") if you will really listen to what's being said and then act based on what you hear.

For example, if you were in a business and your customers told you that your customer service "doesn't respond to my needs," what would you do? Complain about your "stupid" customers? Write emails to your customers telling them they're wrong and explaining why your hard working customer service people are right? Then, if the customer goes elsewhere, would you blame the customer and say they weren't good enough for your business anyway?

Of course you wouldn't. You might prefer to hear only compliments from your customers, but you'd listen carefully and make whatever changes you could to your customer service.

Do you apply the same principle to your relationships? If someone says to you, "You don't respond to my needs" (or words to that effect), what would you do? Complain about this person? Write emails defending yourself? Then, if the relationship ends, would you blame this person and say he/she wasn't good enough for you anyway?

Many people do.

Every complaint contains the seed of an unmet need. "You don't listen." "You don't spend enough time with me." "You never compliment me." "You don't help around the house." These are all complaints that represent unmet needs. As I've written many times, conflict resolution is easy: find out what people need and, if you can/are willing to, give them what they need.

If you want to learn why your relationships aren't working (as well as why they are) all you have to do is listen. People will tell you exactly what you must do to improve the relationship with them. But if they don't think they're being listened to or, worse, if they don't see any change, they will stop talking and the relationship will deteriorate.

You don't have to like what you hear and you don't have to agree with what you hear. You simply have to decide whether you will change or not based on what you hear.

If you choose to change, the relationship will get better. If you choose not to change, the relationship will stay as it is or get worse. But at least you will know the reasons for the state of your relationships.

The bad news is that how well or poorly your relationships function will have little to do with the other person and a lot to do with how you choose to respond to what you hear.

This is also the good news because it puts you in control of how great (or bad) your relationships will be.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net