Conflict Resolution Training:

A One Minute Apology

Can End Years Of Conflict

 
People in conflicts often suffer. They may worry about the relationship. They may avoid the people they are in conflict with. They may never feel completely at peace. There’s a way out of that suffering and it’s called an apology. One of the fastest ways to resolve a conflict is simply to say, “I apologize” and to ask for forgiveness for our error. I’ve written about this before, noting that a hospital in Virginia reduced the number of malpractice law suits simply by apologizing for errors that doctors had made. In response to that earlier writing, I received an e-mail from a friend who told me she nearly died when nurses gave her a double dose of morphine by mistake after a surgery. Later, when visiting her surgeon’s office, she told him the story. Even though the surgeon hadn’t ordered or administered the near fatal dose of morphine, he apologized for the ordeal she had to go through. When my friend told her friends about the doctor’s apology, the number of people who thought she should have sued surprised her. Her friends thought that the doctor’s apology was an admission of wrong and that the apology could be used as evidence in a lawsuit. This is the very reason so many companies are fearful of apologizing. The Board of that Virginia hospital debated vigorously before deciding to apologize. Similarly, many of us may be afraid to apologize. We may not be afraid of being sued, but we may fear that our apology will be seen as weakness and used against us. Or, as a colleague once told me, “People hate admitting they were wrong.” To my friend, however, her doctor’s apology “was simply a sign of his deep understanding of human frailties and his genuine ability to connect with me as a patient.” Additionally, she thought the doctor’s apology was genuinely sincere and “ A law suit would have destroyed a long-standing relationship built on respect and trust.” Our apologies must be sincere and we must care about the relationship. Of course, one step we can take to build a caring relationship is to apologize to those with whom we don’t yet have such a relationship. Some people tell me that they would “never” apologize because they are “in the right” and that it’s the other person who should apologize to them. Consider the possibility that, from the other person’s perspective, we are responsible for the conflict. If we wait for the other to apologize, we may be waiting a very long time. Is it really worth the suffering to hold on to our anger? I’m not suggesting that an apology should always replace a lawsuit. Holding on to anger doesn’t hurt the other person. It hurts us. Holding on to our anger is like taking arsenic and expecting the other person to die. Why would we want to continue punishing ourselves? Call to apologize or do so in person. It takes only minutes to resolve an issue that can linger for years. QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included: Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.netmailto:LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COMhttp://www.conflictresolutiontraining.netshapeimage_1_link_0shapeimage_1_link_1