Have you seen the Jim Carrey movie, “Yes Man?” or read the book by Danny Wallace on which it is based? The movie is a fictionalized version of Danny’s true story.

Danny lives in London and, as the book begins, he continually declines invitations to go out with his friends, his girlfriend has left him and he spends a lot of time alone. On a bus ride home from work, he sits next to a stranger to whom he pours out his woes. The stranger listens silently and then gives Danny the advice that changes his life: “Say yes more.”

Danny commits to saying yes to every request. Fortunately, no one asks him to kill anyone and he does have to get friends to whom he confides his plans to not take advantage of him.  As a result, Danny has many funny, touching, interesting adventures including winning—and losing---25,000 pounds (about $40,000 dollars) in a lottery. He even says “Yes” to one of those email invitations to provide his bank account information in exchange for 75 million dollars from a Nigerian Prince (he escapes that fate).

By the end of the book, Danny has learned that saying, “yes” to everything has, in many ways, changed his life for the better, but it has also created many problems. As the book ends, he chooses to be more careful about what he will say “yes” to.

While saying “yes” to life creates an exciting, interesting and, sometimes, surprising life, so does saying, “no.” In a conflict, as in life, it’s important to choose what we say “yes” to and to what we will say “no.”

More than 30 years ago, Herb Cohen wrote a book called, “You Can Negotiate Anything.” While I believe Cohen’s title is correct, I want you to note that he didn’t call his book, “You Should Negotiate Anything.” While I say repeatedly that one of the keys to conflict resolution is to give up the need to be right, it’s okay to choose to be right and to choose to not try and resolve the conflict.

The key word is “choose.” Some people approach all situations like hammers to whom everything is a nail. No matter what the situation, they attack when listening would be more appropriate.

Don’t adopt a “take it or leave it” position habitually, but do choose those situations where you are not willing to compromise, where you will say, “no” and stick to it.

In a conflict and in a negotiation, saying “no” is often called a “walk away position.” At what point, will you walk away from the conflict and decide that resolution would be too great a compromise?

These situations might involve values you hold, beliefs you’re not willing to change or money you won’t spend (or take for your work). You may choose not to discuss “rules” you’ve established for your children, policies at work or people with whom you will associate.

Being a “no man” (or woman) is just as important as being a “yes” one. As the movie character Indiana Jones was told in the movie “Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom,” “Choose wisely.” 

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net