“One of the quickest ways to find out if you are wrong is to state what you believe.”

                   Penn Jilette, half of the illusionist duo Penn and Teller

 

In her book, “Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margins of Error,” Kathryn Schulz notes that when we differ with others, we first assume they are ignorant, then idiotic and, finally, evil.

 

Schulz further points out how much we love to be right and how we assume that we almost always are.

 

Someone asked me what the biggest cause of conflict is in the workplace (or anywhere else) and I answered, quoting from the movie “Cool Hand Luke,” “A failure to communicate.” Rather than communicate our disagreements and talk them out, we hold on to them, hoping the other person will change because, after all, we think that what we believe about a situation is inherently correct. The other person must be ignorant, idiotic or evil not to see that.

 

Schulz points out that many of our beliefs are the result of “accidents.” Because we were born in a particular place, to a particular family we came to adopt particular beliefs. Education is the process of realizing, as Jilette suggests, that our beliefs, when examined, often prove less than universally true.

 

Note that I altered Jilette’s language. Beliefs aren’t wrong or right. They’re just beliefs and they can contribute to conflict when unexamined.

 

That’s why training in conflict resolution involves practicing listening to others so that they can “educate” us about how their beliefs differ from ours.

 

We should especially listen to people who tell us how we “should” behave. Hearing someone “should” us is often a signal for the rebellious child within to get angry and ask, “Who are you to tell me how I should behave?”

 

Who “they” are, in fact, are people who have different beliefs and, therefore, may be giving us the exact advice that will change our lives if we will only listen.

 

The Beatles sang, “Listen. Do you want to know a secret?” The “secret” is to listen to those “shoulds.” Contained within them may be the “secret” to our future success.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net