Conflict Resolution Training:

Who Is To Blame?

 
Have you ever noticed that there is one person always present no matter who we are in conflict with or what the conflict is about? What a coincidence! Perhaps if we just didn’t show up for these conflicts they wouldn’t occur. I heard a story on National Public Radio on July 11th, 2010 that reminded me of the subtle and, perhaps, subconscious ways in which we contribute to a conflict without our even being aware of it. The story was about a couple (I’ll call them Jane and Joe) who had been married for several years and had a young child. They no longer had sex because Jane, by her own admission, had lost interest. Joe was about to go on a business trip to Turkey. Jane, feeling guilty, gave Joe permission to have an affair while on the trip. Joe had never asked for such “permission.” When Joe returned from the trip, he said nothing. Although desperate to find out, Jane waited several days before asking Joe if he had chosen to have an affair. When asked, Joe admitted that he did and that, moreover, he was in love with the woman and wanted a divorce. Jane was devastated. She had never expected Joe to actually follow through on her offer. The couple’s friends all sided with Jane and blamed Joe for this betrayal. Jane and Joe went to counseling, which didn’t save their marriage. However, to her surprise, Jane discovered something about her subconscious desires. Jane discovered that she gave Joe permission to have an affair because she had wanted a divorce for some time but was not willing to be the one to initiate it. By encouraging Joe to have an affair, she had relieved herself of the responsibility of having to make that choice. Joe made it for her. This allowed Jane to feel justified in her anger and to blame Joe for the breakup of her marriage while still maintaining her self image as the innocent victim of Joe’s betrayal. This is not to excuse Joe. He was, after all, the one who had the affair. He could have chosen otherwise. Rather, the story, which was narrated by Jane herself, suggests that, before blaming others for some wrong or slight done to us, we should consider how we may have contributed to the very situation about which we are angry. This is difficult to see especially because, as with Jane, it’s a blind spot and, by definition, we’re blind to our blind spots. I don’t recall where I heard it. I wrote the following on a piece of paper without attribution: If the person we are currently blaming for our problems were no longer in the picture, who would we find to blame instead? The point is that we think the person we’re blaming for our problems is the cause of those problems. Are they? Or is this an example of us showing up at the scene of a “crime” we’ve committed but claiming we are just the innocent victim? QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included: Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.netmailto:LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COMhttp://www.conflictresolutiontraining.netApology_2.htmlshapeimage_1_link_0shapeimage_1_link_1