Leaders can’t be blamed for everything that happens in their organization. Parents can’t be blamed for everything their kids do.

But leaders set the tone in their businesses and parents set the tone in their families. Often, “bad behavior” continues because it’s tolerated, ignored or, even, subtly encouraged.

Take the case of bullying.

On June 27th, 2010, the New York Times had a story called, “Online Bullies Pull Schools Into the Fray.” The story was about how children between the ages of about 10 and 13 use texting, Facebook and postings on YouTube to harass and intimidate their peers.

Parents of bullied children want school principals to do something. But because much of this bullying occurs outside of school, the principals are often reluctant to take action against the bullies. Court rulings on the subject have been contradictory, sometimes siding with the school’s right to punish the bullies, sometimes siding with the bullies rights of free speech.

In one instance, a girl videotaped her friends at a café “egging them on as they laughed and made mean-spirited sexual comments about another eighth grade girl.” The video was posted on YouTube. The next day, the girl was suspended for two days.

Rather than supporting the school in its attempt to rein in such bullying, the girls father, a lawyer, sued the school claiming that the school had no right to punish actions that had occurred outside of school.

The daughter actually offered to remove the video from YouTube but the father wanted it kept up there “as a public service” so people can see “what kids get suspended for in Beverly Hills.”

When I read this I thought, “Bullying parents set the tone for their bullying children.”

I had a similar reaction when I was called on to coach a manager who was considered a “bully” by those he supervised. He sent them intimidating emails. He was belligerent towards them in meetings. His feedback was almost always negative.

I asked this bullying manager’s boss what the consequences would be if the bully didn’t change. The boss didn’t have an answer. The bully was considered too valuable to be terminated.

Valuable? They might as well have put up a sign in the cafeteria, “Bullying Tolerated Here.” I chose not to take the assignment.

While I’m a strong believer in compromise and negotiation to resolve conflicts, sometimes take it or leave it is the best approach.

Consider the possibility that “bad behavior” occurs not because people are inherently “bad” but because their behavior is tolerated.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net