From the Introduction:

Welcome to the game of conflict. It’s one I’ve been teaching people to play for almost 20 years and I’m looking forward to sharing the game with you.

I teach this game to groups of usually about 20 people at a time seated behind tables arranged in a U-shape. This time, however, instead of being one of 20 people, you are in a class by yourself and I am your personal instructor.

I promise that you will be able to resolve your conflicts after reading this book. If you find that not to be true by the time you’re done reading, please contact me  (ljbarkan@thepivotalfactor.com) and I will give you your money back.

I can make that promise because I know that resolving conflicts is within your control. Does that surprise you? You’ve probably been thinking that some conflicts are impossible to resolve because the people with whom you’re in conflict are being impossible.

But there’s something common to every conflict in which you’re involved and becoming aware of this commonality will make all the difference. In Chapter 1, I’ll tell you what that is.

As you get ready to play this game, it’s important for you to consider what must happen for you to be delighted by your decision to invest your money and time in reading this book. After all, if you commit to playing the game of conflict, you’re going to be investing time and energy that could be spent doing other things. You should expect to be delighted in return for your investment. The clearer you can be as to what you want, the more likely it is that you will get  it.

You may be reading this book because you’re thinking of a specific conflict that has been troubling you for some time. Or perhaps you want to find a way to deal with a person who has been difficult to get along with. Perhaps conflict is simply a topic you want to learn more about. Pause for a moment and consider the best possible outcome that could happen for you as a result of playing the game of conflict.

It may surprise you to think of conflict as a game. The conflicts in your life may seem like anything but a game. Your conflicts may seem too stressful, too exhausting and too discouraging to be thought of as a game. But hear me out.

In a conflict, as in a game, there is a strategy, there are moves and countermoves and there is something at stake (getting your needs met and strengthening the relationships with the people with whom you’re in conflict). All these aspects of the game will be addressed in this book.

In fact, in the game of conflict that I’m asking you to play, “winning” means that you get your needs met and the people with whom you’re in conflict get their needs met as well and that, because of this, trust increases and your relationships are strengthened.

You may be thinking that games are only fun when there are winners and losers.  In fact, you may think that what makes a game exciting is the possibility that you will win (or lose) and the other people playing the game will lose (or win).

However, unlike a game in which there is a winner and a loser, everyone will win the game of conflict if you play it as I will encourage you to do. Imagine what your life might be like, for example, if you lived a life of collaboration rather than conflict. A life in which there were only winners and you didn’t have to continually look over your shoulder, fearing that even though you may have won this time you could lose the next time. A life in which conflicts were a source of creativity rather than stress. Might that be a game worth playing?  

If you have come to this book thinking that you must defeat someone else and be declared the “winner” of the conflict, then I suggest you look elsewhere. There are plenty of books designed to teach you how to beat others at whatever game you want to play. Besides, “winning” at that game requires constant vigilance lest your opponent find a way to beat you the next time. Trust actually decreases and relationships are harmed when that becomes the conflict game.

Like every game, resolving conflicts can be fun (yes, fun) if you take it very seriously by giving your whole self to the game. Do you remember playing good guys and bad guys (or with dolls and doll houses) as a child and pretending, with your whole being, that the game was real? A game is most fun when you forget it’s a game and give your whole self to it. Therefore, I encourage you to approach this book with all the energy, passion and commitment that you might approach playing any game.

In Chapters 1 through 7, I’ll guide you through “Warming Up” to get you ready for the game. The information in these chapters is what you need to know to be successful when playing the game of conflict.

Chapters 8 through 14 (“Let the Games Begin”) are the steps involved in playing the game and bringing every conflict to a satisfactory conclusion.

Chapters 15 and 16 are the “Post Game Wrap-Up.” Chapter 15 encourages you to celebrate your “victories.” Chapter 16 shows you how to ensure that what you learn and practice in this book will last for the rest of your life.

Every game has rest periods, so there are even some “time outs” in this game of conflict (Chapters 7, 9 and 11).

copyright 2011 and all prior years. Larry Barkan. All rights reserved.