If you’re ever in a conflict and you’re arguing and not arriving at an agreement, it’s a good bet you’re in the world of wants. People argue over wants because this world is one of limited resources, typically such things as people, money and/or time. In this world, there is a winner and a loser because there’s a limit to how much money, time and people are available. In this world, the person who has the “power” (usually due to authority) will get what he/she wants and the others will be left with whatever is left over. It’s a prescription for dissatisfaction, sabotage of agreements and a failure to resolve the conflict.

The world of needs, on the other hand, is a world of almost unlimited possibilities. While people will argue in the world of wants, they will negotiate in the world of needs because they perceive that there are multiple ways to get their needs met, so they won’t have be attached to only one way to feel satisfied.

If you’re arguing and not getting anywhere, ask the question, “Why is that important to you?” to get at the underlying need.

For example, if you’re arguing over which department gets to add an extra person, ask, “Why is the extra person important to you?” A possible answer might be, “To service customers more effectively.”

Can you see that “servicing customers more effectively” may or may not require adding more people? The negotiation becomes over how to “service customers more effectively” (which can be resolved in multiple ways) versus arguing over who gets the extra person.

Or suppose you’re arguing over how budget dollars should be allocated. This is an argument that almost always ends with a winner and a loser. Suppose, however, in the midst of the argument, you ask the other person, “Why are those budget dollars so important to you?” and the answer is “To purchase office equipment.”

You realize that “equipment” is a want (equipment, after all, is a limited resource). So you ask, “And why is the equipment important to you?” The response might be “To handle customer backorders.”

Can you see that “handling customer backorders” may or may not require purchasing equipment? The negotiation becomes over how to “handle customer backorders” versus arguing over whether the equipment should be purchased.

By shifting the conversation from wants to needs, you can move the conflict towards resolution.

copyright 2011 and all prior years. Larry Barkan. All rights reserved.