Resolving Conflict Is Simple

It may seem complex, but... it is not.

Conflicts that involve several people and multiple issues may take longer, but the conflict resolution process is simple and ALWAYS includes the following six principles:

(click on the item to learn more)

See Yourself As Others See You

Conflict=disagreement

and nothing more

Give up being right

and making others wrong

   

Give others what they need

“Take it or leave it”

may be an appropriate strategy

If X..Then Y

is how how all conflicts are resolved

My book will show you just how simple conflict resolution can be. Each chapter takes you step by step through the process with exercises at the end of each chapter to guide you to resolve any conflict in your life.

1. • Review the chapter titles
   

2. • Read an excerpt
   

3. • Read testimonials and hear an interview             
   

Or download

the ebook for just $6.99

  A message from Larry

Below is an example of what you’ll find on the

Conflict Resolution Resources page.

I’m continually adding articles, so check back frequently

to continue your conflict resolution training. 

Resolving  Conflict With Difficult People In 5 Simple Steps

“I don’t want to be convinced that I’m wrong”

        from Yearnings: Embracing The Sacred Messiness Of Life by Irwin Kula

Conflict resolution with even the most difficult person is simple if you’ll just follow these steps:

1.State clearly, in as few words as possible, what you want and/or need.

2.Listen to find out what the other person wants and/or needs.

3.Give up being right and making others wrong (accept that the conflict exists because of you as much as because of the other person).

4.Agree on a solution that meets as many wants and needs for both of you as possible based on “If X… Then Y” (“If I do this (X), will you do that (Y)?”

5.Commit to the agreement.

What’s the big deal? The big deal is that people don’t follow these steps. Rather, they get angry, blame the other person and never see their responsibility for the conflict existing in the first place (step 3).

It’s often difficult to see one’s responsibility in a conflict, especially when one is angry and upset. If this is true for you, what you have to know is that you are right, but so is the other person. That’s why there’s a conflict to begin with. Both of you think you’re right and that the other person is wrong and neither is willing to give up this belief.

Here’s an example of a situation that could have turned ugly except that one person was willing to accept responsibility and give up being right and making another person wrong.

For 10 years, my friend Sally has worked for a company that finds temporary workers for companies that need them. There’s lots of paperwork in her job and if you ever saw Sally’s desk, you’d be amazed that she can find anything. Papers are piled on papers which are piled on books which, for all I know, is piled on top of a lunch Sally brought to work three years ago.

Her boss, Jane, is the exact opposite. You could eat the lunch that Sally can’t find off Jane’s immaculate desk and, perhaps, off the carpet as well.

This has long been a source of conflict between Sally and Jane. Jane admonishes Sally to clean her desk. Sally does so. One week later, Sally’s desk has returned to its usual chaos followed by another scolding from Jane. If Sally weren’t so successful, Jane might have fired her long ago.

During the last Christmas holiday, this conflict came to a head. While Sally was away visiting family, Jane took it upon herself to organize Sally’s desk.

Jane threw out what she thought was unnecessary paperwork. Additionally, she went into my friend’s computer and deleted what she considered to be extraneous emails.

Consider how you would feel if this had happened to you. Clearly, Jane was “wrong.” She never should have done what she did without Sally’s permission. When Sally returned from vacation and discovered what her boss had done, she was furious.

But Sally was “wrong” as well. If she worked at home, her messy desk would not have been an issue. But she worked in an office and Jane was concerned about the “professional” appearance of the office.

Sally complained to me and I counseled her to give up being right and making Jane wrong. I suggested that, rather than complain and blame, apply the simple conflict resolution steps described above.

When she got to Step 4 (“If X, then Y”), Sally said to her boss, “So if I promise to keep my desk organized, will you promise to never again do anything without my permission?”

Here’s where Step 5 (“Commit to the agreement”) is critical. Both Sally and Jane will have reason to be angry if either one violates the agreement. So far, neither has.

Consider the possibility that all conflicts can be resolved just this simply if you will put your feelings aside temporarily, give up being right and making others wrong and follow these simple steps rather than worrying that you might be “convinced that I’m wrong.”

copyright 2011 and all prior years. Larry Barkan. All rights reserved.