Here’s advice from someone, now retired, who had been handling conflict with customers for over 25 years.

Tom, a friend of mine, was the head of the service department in one of the largest car dealerships in the country. Some of the unhappiest customers are those who have to bring their cars in repeatedly for service.

Tom said that over the course of a 25-year career in the service business, he rarely failed to both calm and satisfy the customer. Additionally, he rarely came home obsessing about a dissatisfied customer.

Here are the exact steps Tom used when in conflict with a customer:

1. Ask the disgruntled customer to explain the problem.

2. Listen while focusing your complete attention on the customer.

3. Paraphrase what the customer says and, after each paraphrase ask, “Is that correct?” to be sure the customer knows he or she has been heard accurately.

4. Keep asking, “Is there’s anything else?” until it’s clear the customer has said everything he/she wants to say.

5. When the customer has exhausted his/her complaints, say, “I can see why you bought this car. It’s beautiful and you must have loved it when you bought it. What do we have to do so that you can love this car again?”

6. If at all possible, do exactly what the customer asks you to do.

You may not work in a car dealership, but you can apply his techniques to any conflict you may have with a customer (or even a coworker):

1. Focus your complete attention on the person.

If you’re face to face, make eye contact. If the conflict occurs on the phone, just listen. Don’t check email, don’t text message, don’t let yourself be distracted. Act as though the person you’re in conflict with is the most important person in your life at that moment.

2. Before responding, paraphrase whatever the person says to you.

Put in your own words, what you hear the person say. After each paraphrase, ask, “Is that correct?” to be sure you understood correctly. If the person responds with a “No,” to your question, “Is that correct?’ ask him/her to repeat what was said and paraphrase again. Your goal is to arrive at complete understanding of the situation.

Paraphrasing will decrease the intensity of the conflict because it communicates that you are truly interested in listening to and understanding the person you’re in conflict with.

3. After each correct paraphrase, ask, “Is there anything else you want to say?”

Keep asking and paraphrasing until the person has completely exhausted all of his/her complaints.

4. Ask, “What must happen for you to…(fill in with the nature of their complaint.)

For example:

a. “…be thrilled with our service/product again?’

b. “…love your job again?”

c. “…enjoy working together again?”

5. Make sure that the person gets his/her needs met.

If at all possible, do exactly what the complaining person asks you to do.

Of course, you can’t always meet the needs of the person. In a car dealership, for example, the complaining person may demand a new car but is unlikely to get it. At work, it may not be possible to give a salary increase to an employee who

wants more money. There are times, of course, when you have to say “No.”

But in all situations, the process of conflict resolution is the same: Find out what people need and, if you can, give them what they need.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net