Does fear ever stop you? Have you ever thought, “If only I weren’t so fearful I would...?” Or perhaps you do something and wish you didn’t feel so nervous/anxious/afraid when you do it.

I’ve worked with hundreds of people who are fearful of the simple act of having a conversation. Their fears include picking up the phone and calling a potential customer, giving a speech to a group of 10 people or asking directly for what they want and hearing a no. Some are afraid of hearing a yes.

People fear being embarrassed, appearing stupid, not knowing the right answer or giving the wrong answer, not knowing what to say or not appearing confident.

Does this list sound familiar? It’s the same list we might have made when we had to present a book report in school, wanted to ask someone to the prom or when our classmates laughed after we gave the wrong answer to a teacher’s question. In other words, in some situations, a child or, perhaps, a teenager, is still running our lives.

On January 6th, 1941, Franklin Roosevelt addressed Congress and stated that everyone in the world should have the right to four freedoms, among which was the “freedom from fear.”

Roosevelt was suggesting an impossibly high standard. We will never be fear from fear. We can, however, have freedom with fear. We will never control, eliminate or be able to ignore some fears. We can, however, be free and powerful even though we are fearful. After all, courage means acting when afraid. No fear, no courage.

Our feelings are like the weather. First, like the weather, we can’t control, eliminate or ignore our feelings (indeed, the more we try to control our emotions, the more those emotions control us). Second, like the weather, if we wait for a while, our feelings will change.

Because our feelings are so changeable, “I don’t feel like it” is the absolutely last reason you should use to avoid doing what you want to do, need to do and/or are committed to doing. You may never “feel like it.” Did you really “feel” like going to work this morning, dealing with your kids and spouse, attending a meeting?

Stop trying to fix yourself. Stop trying to understand your fear. After all your analysis and hard work, you may still be fearful.

So while there is no such thing as freedom from fear, here are some things you can do to be powerful, produce results and have freedom with fear.

1.When you find yourself avoiding doing something, do it now. At the end of all your procrastination, you still have to make the call, deliver the speech, have the conversation. Don’t fight your emotions. Take them with you. Your wallet, keys and glasses are in your pocket or purse and they don’t weigh you down (well, perhaps some purses). Carry your fear as you carry these items. You can pull your fear out and examine it if you want to, but why?

2.When you write your to do list and you notice that you’ve been avoiding someone, call him/her immediately. Say, “hello, have you got a minute?” and immediately ask for what you want. You will get a yes, no or maybe. If “yes,” say, “thank you,” if “no,” say “thank you,” if “maybe,” ask “why?” “Maybe” simply means the person is uncertain that his/her needs will be met. It means nothing about you. You can take it personally if you want to, but you don’t have to.

3.Don’t email, send a Facebook message or text someone you fear (or avoid speaking with). Call or visit the person. The more you avoid a conversation, the more that conversation will appear fearful. If you call someone and he/she doesn’t respond either he/she doesn’t want to talk to you in which case you probably need to apologize for something or he/she is fearful of you in which case you probably need to apologize for something.

4.If you notice your heart pounding, congratulations. It means you’re alive.

5.When you are fearful, repeat this “mantra:” “It’s not about me. It’s about getting the result.” Your feelings don’t matter when pursuing what you want. They are important, but they make no difference.

6.Label your fear “excitement” or, better yet, don’t give it a name. We name things thinking that, if we do, we have mastery over them. Consider the possibility that you don’t actually know how you’re feeling until you name it. Is the ride on the roller coaster fearful or exciting? You are the judge and your judgment creates the experience.

Finally, let me share a story with you that will put your fears into perspective.

A friend of a friend teaches a “personal growth” seminar in Kenya. Whenever he presents the seminar in the United States, he is struck by the difference between the two countries.

In Kenya he hears people tell fearful stories of almost being hacked to death by a machete, being raped and narrowly escaping death. In the United States, he hears people tell stories of being fearful of delivering a presentation, calling someone they hardly know and making eye contact in an elevator.

From this story you may deduce that a sure way to deal with your current fears is to create bigger ones.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net