Why don’t people get what they want in a negotiation and a conflict? It’s quite simple: They’re not being assertive.  They think they are, but in the place of a simple, assertive request, they substitute words that subtly signal they may be willing to settle for less than what they say they really want.

Consider the following examples. Do any of them remind you of what you do?

1. •You’re sick and tired of a friend who is always late. You want him/her to be on time and, by God, you’re going to ask, no demand, that she do so. You get your friend on the phone and say, “I know it’s difficult for you, but I want you to be on time from now on.”
   

Here’s what’s really being said: “I know it’s difficult for you to be on time, so even though that’s what I want, if you have a good excuse, I’d probably forgive you.”

1. •Your coworker is continually interrupting you to ask questions she could find the answers to if she just spent a few minutes reading an instruction manual. You know she’s asking you because it’s faster than reading the manual. You decide that, the next time she interrupts you, you’re going to tell her clearly and in no uncertain terms, “I want you to find the answers in the manual instead of interrupting me.”
   

However, when she comes to your office with a question, you respond with “I     know that’s a lot of reading and it’s not the most interesting reading, but it’s important that you familiarize yourself with this material so I’d like you to read it.”

What the person may hear is that because “it’s a lot of reading” and “not the most interesting reading,” it’s okay to keep asking you. After all, who would want to “familiarize” himself with all this uninteresting material when you could quickly help?  Besides, you’d only “like” her to read it.

1. •Similarly, instead of assertively saying, “I want you to pick up the dog from the  vet,” you say:
   

1. ◦“I know you’ve got a million things to do” (no he doesn’t, although he may have 3 or 4),
   

2. ◦“but if it wouldn’t be too much trouble” (of course it’s too much trouble from his perspective or he’d just go ahead and get the darn dog),
   

3. ◦“I’d really appreciate it if you’d get the dog from the vet” (sure you’d appreciate it, but how strongly do you want him to get the dog?).”
   

2. 
   

If any of these sound even remotely familiar, here’s the formula I suggest you use:

1. Decide what you want.

This is not always easy. You must be clear on what you want before you can be clear with someone else.

2. 2.Go the person you want it from and say, “Have you got a minute? There’s something I want to ask     of you.
   

Always ask for permission to proceed. You’re about to intrude on someone’s time and it’s a good idea to get           permission to interrupt him/her.

3. After asking for the person’s time, pause until he/she is making eye contact with you

Eye contact signals you have his/her attention. Usually, you don’t’ have to ask for eye contact. Just remain silent until he/she is looking at you.

Of course, this is impossible on the phone. You’ll simply have to judge if he/she is checking email and only pretending to pay attention to you.

4. Begin your request with these exact words: “Will you…

Do not begin with “Could you,” “Can you” “Please try” or any variation other than “Will you.”

Never use more than 10 words to make your request. Keep it simple. When asking for what you want, the more words you use the weaker your assertion.”

5. Stop talking.

Even if you are uncomfortable with silence, don’t speak after making your request. Many people are uncomfortable with silence. Just accept your discomfort. The other person will respond with “yes,” “no” or some form of “maybe.” If “yes,” thank the person. If “no,” or “maybe” ask, “Why.” This is the beginning of the negotiation.

Follow this formula and enjoy the results.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net