Why are conflicts so difficult to resolve when the process of conflict resolution is so easy: Find out what people need and, if you can and/or are willing to, give them what they need.

Conflicts that involve several people and multiple issues can be complex, but this just causes resolution to take more time. The process is still easy.

So what’s the problem? Well, remember the movie, “City Slickers,” where Jack Palance tells Billy Crystal that “it’s just one thing?” The problem in resolving conflicts is “just one thing” and it’s common to every conflict in which you are involved. Master this “one thing” and conflict resolution will be easy.

Here’s a clue to this “one thing:”

Four construction workers were having lunch.  The first guy unwraps his sandwich with a smile and says, "A fresh roast beef sandwich!"  The second guy unpacks his lunch and says, "Mm-m, my favorite, a turkey sandwich made from last night's roast turkey."  The third guy opens his lunch excitedly, saying, "Yes!  Ham and cheese!"

The fourth guy mutters, "You guys are so lucky.  Every day it's the same thing, peanut butter and jelly, day in and day out.  I hate peanut butter and jelly.  If I open this lunch and find another peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm just gonna scream."

He opens his lunch and screams, "Not again!  Another peanut butter and jelly sandwich."  One of the other guys says, "Well, if you hate peanut butter and jelly so much, why don't you ask your wife to pack you something else for lunch?"

The guy replies, "Wife?  I'm not married.  I make my own sandwich."

The “one thing” common to every conflict regardless of the issue under discussion?  Say your name aloud and shout “Eureka.”

Conflicts become intractable when we don’t see that “we make our own sandwiches.” Our point of view becomes “the truth.” Our mantra becomes, “I’m okay and you’re biased.”

Bosses who intimidate and bully their employees see themselves as simply “results oriented.”

Husbands and wives who scream at their children are simply “teaching them values.”

Remember the movie “Forrest Gump?” Forrest’s life long love, “Jenny,” is protesting the Vietnam War with her college boyfriend who hits her and, later, excuses himself by saying, “It’s (President Lyndon) Johnson and this damn war.”

It’s not me that hit you. It was actually Lyndon Johnson!

Daniel Gilbert, a professor of psychology at Harvard and the author of “Stumbling On Happiness,” wrote in the April 6th, 2006 New York Times, “Doctors scoff at the notion that gifts from a pharmaceutical company could motivate them to prescribe that company’s drugs and Supreme Court justices are confident that their legal opinions are not influenced by their financial stake in a defendant’s business or by their child’s employment at a petitioner’s firm” (and, I might add, Congress people are, of course, never influenced by campaign contributions).

Because we may be unaware of our biases, I suggest living by this “rule” of conflict resolution: Never give your opinion without first paraphrasing to the other person’s satisfaction, what he/she has just said. Or as Stephen Covey reminds us, “Seek first to understand before being understood.”

For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Listen to understand and notice how often others do the same with you. And then…conflict resolution is easy.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net