Have you ever noticed how often we ascribe negative motives to others and positive ones to ourselves for the same actions? For example, if I’m angry because you forgot to call me, that’s understandable. Anyone would be angry. But if you’re angry because I forgot to call you, that’s because you just don’t understand.

In 2006, the movie Babel was nominated for an academy award. The movie is about the difficulties we have in understanding one another.

During the previews for the movie, the phrase “If you want to be understood, listen” was flashed on the screen, (see movie trailer below) and I thought this was a perfect metaphor for how to resolve conflict in the workplace and at home.

If we want to be understood, stop talking and listen to others. It seems counterintuitive, but an explanation occurred to me during a ballroom dancing lesson.

During the lesson, the instructor noted that, when dancing, you have to put yourself in the shoes (pun intended) of your partner in order to understand why your partner might have trouble following your lead. You have to listen to your partner.

This is exactly the situation when resolving a conflict. Conflict resolution is a dance between you and the person(s) with whom you're in conflict. You may be trying to lead the person in the direction you'd like him/her to go by explaining why your position is correct. But unless you are willing to follow the lead of the other person by listening to his/her needs, you will never be able to create a collaborative agreement that satisfies both of you.

In a conflict, as with dancing, you are not in competition with the other person; you are in a collaborative partnership, attempting to work out ways to meet both of your needs. As long as conflict is viewed as a competition with winners and losers, it will always be difficult and a struggle.

To resolve conflict, you must “dance” in the conversation of your conflicts. Whenever you notice your conflict “partner” disagreeing with you, stop talking and listen to understand the direction the person wants to go. Be less concerned about pulling or pushing your conflict partner around than in finding a way to move gracefully with one another.

This grace is found through listening.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net