The other day, I was driving home when my wife called. She asked me to stop at the store and buy something. I asked her what was wrong. Something in the sound of her voice made me think that something terrible had happened. In fact, nothing had happened. She just wanted me to stop at the store.

It occurred to me is that this is exactly what happens in a conflict. We don’t hear what people say. We hear what we say to ourselves about what they are saying and then imagine they’re saying it. This is what I did with my wife’s words.

Instead of just listening to the exact words that someone says without interpretation, we project our judgments, perceptions, opinions and biases onto the other person and assert that these thoughts and feelings originated with them.

I remember speaking to my mother in law after she had a cataracts removed. She was amazed at how green the grass and leaves looked. Of course, the grass and leaves were always green. She just wasn’t able to see them.

We’re like that. We don’t hear what others are really saying because our minds are preoccupied listening to ourselves. We bring our beliefs and prejudices to a relationship and then listen only to confirm what we already believe.

A good way to know that we’re doing this is to notice our thoughts as others are speaking. Are we anxious to rebut what the person is saying? Are we pretending to listen when, in fact, we can’t wait to jump in and give our opinion?

Listening can be a form of meditation. Slow down. Pay attention. Let your own thoughts go as you listen to the thoughts of others.

When a person meditates, he/she often focuses on a word or phrase to block out extraneous thoughts. When listening, focus on the words or phrases being said by the other person without adding your own interpretation. You can increase the power of your “meditation” by paraphrasing back what you are hearing.

People will often tell us exactly what they need to resolve a conflict and improve a relationship if we will just listen without adding our own meaning to what they are saying.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net