If you want to have productive, creative, harmonious relationships both at work and at home, live by the Platinum Rule instead of the golden one.

 

Whereas the Golden Rule advises us to do unto others as they would have us do unto them, the Platinum Rule suggests instead that we do unto others as they want to be done unto.

 

In other words, as I’ve often counseled in regards to resolving conflicts, find out what people need and give it to them.

 

There are many systems designed to help us figure out what others need. Most divide people into different personality types then provide instruction in identifying these types and modifying our behavior to meet the needs of each type.

 

All these systems are valuable but complicate what is really a very simple process.

 

If you want to know what people need, ask them. In fact, in most cases, you don’t even need to ask. They’ll tell you. Have you ever heard, “You’re not listening to me” or “You’re difficult to get along with” or “You’re not doing what I asked you to do?” These statements represent what people are telling you to do to meet their needs.

 

Pay attention to what people are saying to you and you’ll soon begin to identify what they need from you.  

 

The problem is that we’re generally not listening. Or, more accurately, we’re so busy listening to the wrong person that we literally don’t hear what they’re saying.

 

Who is this “wrong person” we’re listening to? It’s ourselves.

 

In a conflict, don’t listen to what you say to yourself. That voice you hear in your head is useless when trying to resolve a conflict.

 

Here’s an experiment that will help you understand why this is so.

 

Write 3 or 4 adjectives to indicate:

·      How your mother might describe you.

·      How your best friend might describe you.

·      How someone you are in conflict with might describe you.

·      How you describe yourself.

 

Whose description is correct? Obviously, they all are and none are. Your mother, best friend and someone you're in conflict with will all have a different perception of you.

 

But don’t you tend to trust your own description because you probably think you know yourself best?

 

You don’t. Or, more accurately, you only know a part of yourself. The other parts are how other people perceive you. And it’s those perceptions that are the keys to your success with them.

 

If you want to resolve conflicts, you should believe everything people tell you about yourself because, from their perspective, they are 100% correct in their description. Of course, they’re also 100% wrong from the perspective of someone else.

 

However, to resolve conflicts (which simply means your description of yourself conflicts with their description of you), listen to what they say and ask two questions of them:

1.   Why do you say that?

2.   What should I do?

 

You don’t have to change what you believe about yourself. All you have to do is change your behavior. And what you need to change is right there in front of you. It’s coming out of the mouth of the person you’re in conflict with.

 

To resolve the conflict, make the change. That’s the Platinum Rule.

 

In the world of finance (and the world of conflict), platinum is worth more than gold.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net