Above all, he learned how to listen, with a still heart, with a waiting, open soul, without passion, without desire, without judgment, without opinions.

From Siddartha by Herman Hesse

Did you happen to see the PBS program “This Emotional Life?” It was broadcast during the nights of January 4th, 5th and 6th and discussed how humans (that’s us) handle our emotions, from mild annoyance through severe depression, all in an ultimate search for happiness.

Much of the episode on January 4th looked at our most intimate relationships and the challenges we face in sustaining them. If there’s any “secret” to sustaining a relationship (my wife and I have sustained one for 36 years), it’s revealed in this first episode.

A couple is shown going to marriage counseling. They have been married for five years and they have four children. He is a record producer who is successful enough to support those four kids and an apartment with stylish furniture. His wife has her hands full taking care of that apartment and those kids.

The couple is drifting apart. The husband has had an affair. They go to counseling in a last ditch effort to save their marriage.

Over the course of the therapy sessions, we see the couple gradually reestablish trust and intimacy. The key to the therapy’s success (and the “secret” I alluded to earlier) occurs when the therapist challenges the couple to see that what they have perceived to be “the truth” about one another (“He doesn’t listen.” “She just doesn’t understand”) is merely a point of view. “Truth” is immutable. “Points of view” are open to change.

This willingness to distinguish between truth and point of view is at the heart of all successful relationships. We come to believe that we “know” the other person and that what we know is the truth. When conflicts occur, resolution is difficult because the person with “the truth” is always right which means that the other person must, of course, be wrong. Would you be open to resolving a conflict with someone who starts from the premise that you’re wrong?

Read the quote at the top of this article. It suggests the behavior that will transcend this dilemma. 

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net