"If you want to get the best out of people, you have to really hear them and they have to feel like they've been really heard."

                Steve Ballmer, CEO Microsoft Quoted in the New York Times, May 17th, 2009

Want to know the single, biggest reason workplace conflicts don't get resolved? It's not because people don't hear what's being said by the person they're in conflict with. It's because they hear what's being said and choose to ignore it. Why? It's really very simple: The need to be right and for the other person to be wrong.

Here's a story to illustrate my point:

Susan, a project team leader was in conflict with most members of her seven-person team. The team's assignment was to ensure that a key manufacturing component was assembled on time and within budget, but the team would spend many unproductive meetings debating the best approach. In frustration, Susan hired me to help her resolve the team conflicts.

I began by interviewing each of the team members and asking them why they thought there was so much conflict within the team. Almost without exception, the blame was placed on Susan. Typical responses were, "She's argumentative." "She doesn't listen." "She's hostile to our suggestions."

I asked each person if he or she had shared this feedback with Susan. The answers were almost uniformly along the lines of, "At every meeting."

Now, it's typical for people to blame others for their conflicts, but I was struck by how consistent the responses were.

When I shared with Susan what I had been told by her team members, she expressed disappointment that I hadn't learned what she called the "real reasons" for the conflicts. "I know they think it's my fault," she said. "But I'm not the reason we're in conflict."

I asked her why she thought there was conflict. Her response? She blamed the team members who are, she said, "argumentative, don't listen and are hostile to my suggestions." A mirror image of what the team members had told me about Susan.

I wasn't surprised. This is the very nature of conflict. Two people may share the same opinion on an issue, yet one will believe that his/her way of expressing the opinion is right and the other person's way is wrong.

Or the reverse:  Two people may have very different opinions on the same issue, but one person will believe that his/her opinion is right and the other person's opinion is wrong.

You see, when there's a conflict, it's easy to know what's preventing it from being resolved and it doesn't require a crystal ball, a degree in psychology or any special talent. Simply put, conflicts aren't resolved because people spend more time debating (or in extreme cases, shouting about) who is right than in seeking solutions that meet everyone's needs.

So I didn't teach Susan any special conflict resolution skills. I simply convinced her that she had to give up her attachment to being right (not an easy thing for anyone).

And, as I had expected, when she did so, her team members reciprocated.

Give up your need to be right and you'll be amazed at how often others do as well.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

Permission to reproduce is granted as long as the following citation is included:

Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net