Think Elephants Never Forget? We Put Elephants To Shame

Have you been in conflict with someone for more than a day? How about more than a month? A year? A decade? More?

Consider this possibility: If we have a poor relationship with someone in the present, it is the result of lingering anger or resentment from the past that we refuse to let go of. I don’t mean that the anger or resentment hasn’t been expressed. I mean that we may have expressed it, but we are still holding on to it.

I know people who haven’t spoken to blood relatives for years, complain bitterly about a coworker with whom they’ve worked for a long time and still hold resentments towards someone who is dead.

Look at the wars around the world. Some of them are based on incidences that occurred 400 years ago (or more).

If we’re going to stop killing one another, stop hating one another, stop fighting physically and verbally with one another, stop being fearful of one another, we are going to have to give up our resentments from the past.

Why won’t we let go of the past? Because we get a benefit so huge that we think it’s worth the price. The benefit is that we get to tell ourselves (and anyone else who will listen) that we are right and we get to tell ourselves (and anyone who will listen) that the other person(s) is wrong.

We live for the day when the other person will see how wrong he/she has been and apologize to us, not so that we can say “thanks,” but so that we can say, “I told you so.”

We have to be courageous to let go of the past because it requires admitting that we are responsible for the state of our relationships.

Responsibility is not blame. Responsibility means accepting that our relationships are as they are because we choose for them to be that way. The reason we want to be compassionate towards our fellow human beings is because many don’t know that the quality of their relationships is given by the choices they’ve made.

Initially, we may feel uncomfortable assuming responsibility. It can be hard to give up such a juicy benefit as the belief that we’re right. But if peaceful, harmonious relationships are of value to us, then the price we must pay for that outcome is to give up blame and accept responsibility.

Knowing that our relationships are the way they are because of our choices gives us tremendous power to create and recreate our relationships in a new way. All relationships, long term and short term, need never grow stale. Through our choices, they are recreated newly every day.

Whether they are recreated for better or for worse will depend on the choices we make.

QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? LJBARKAN@THEPIVOTALFACTOR.COM

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Reprinted by permission of the author, Larry Barkan: http://www.conflictresolutiontraining.net